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アイテム番号: SCP-xxx-JP

オブジェクトクラス: Safe

特別収容プロトコル: SCP-xxx-JPは標準的低脅威度オブジェクト保管庫に格納します。収容に特別な手順は必要ありません。

説明: SCP-xxx-JPは特異な性質を有するパイレックスガラス製100 mLナス型フラスコです。既知の製造者のロゴが印刷されていることを含め、非特異性のナス型フラスコと外見上の差異はありません。現在財団は4例のSCP-xxx-JPを収容しており、個別にSCP-xxx-JP-1からSCP-xxx-JP-4までのアイテム番号が割り当てられています。

SCP-xxx-JPの特異な性質は、以下の手順を取った際に発生します。

  1. 1種類または複数種類の有機化合物、および試薬ならびに溶媒を投入し、温度・雰囲気・気圧等の条件をこれを出発原料とする合成反応を進行させるように設定する。
  2. 撹拌・マイクロ波の照射等、合成反応を進行させるために適した操作を施す。

このときSCP-xxx-JPの内部および周辺では、異常性のないナス型フラスコを用いた場合とは異なる現象が生じます。このとき生じる現象はSCP-xxx-JPに投入する化合物により様々ですが、同様の条件で実験を行った場合は全ての例において再現性が確認されています。また、使用するSCP-xxx-JPにより一定の法則性が見出されています。実験項を含む実験結果の完全なリストの閲覧を希望する職員は、Lab-81xxxにコンタクトを取ってください。

実験結果

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Senior Staff Shenanigans / いたずら上級職員(翻案: いたずら大戦争!)

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「悪いな、急だったのに会ってくれて。」

「いいんだ。ここだけの話、明けても暮れても素人の相手をするのは退屈だからね。」

「そうだろうな。ほら、もうすぐ俺たちのささやかな記念日だろう? それで思いついたんだ、俺の同僚にお前の手伝いを頼めるかもしれないって。そのあたり、ほら、分かるだろ? いくらか大目に見てやってくれるとありがたいんだけど……。」

「君、僕に守秘義務を破れって言うの? それは気がとがめるよ。」

「まさか! そんなこと考えてないさ。でもお前は多分、言うなれば、規定の条文について"可能な限り最も広い解釈"ができるかもしれないってことだよ。」

「あの猿を手に入れたいんだね?」

「あれを持ってきてくれたら、見返りになにがほしい? あの猿が永遠に俺のものになる代わりに?」

机の後ろにいた人影が合図をすると、机の前側にいた背の低い方の男が前のめりになった。彼は相手の男の耳元で囁いた。

「面白い。そんなこと思いつかなかったよ。あと、言わせてくれ。俺は財団で働けてとても幸せだし、当分の間転職は考えない。その上お前がそれを申し出てくれて本当に嬉しい。Let me make a proposal of my own. In exchange for the aforesaid professional courtesies leading to temporary possession…」

"Since you bring it up, what compensation would you want, in exchange for my permanent posession of said monkey?"

The humanoid figure behind the desk beckons and the smaller man before the desk leans forward. He whispers something in his ear.

"Interesting. Not at all what I'd expected. And I must say that, while I'm flattered that you offer, I'm very happy to work for the Foundation, and don't contemplate a change anytime soon. Let me make a proposal of my own. In exchange for the aforesaid professional courtesies leading to temporary possession…"

It takes some time, but eventually the human and the entity wearing the face of a legendary law professor reach an agreement. A secretary is summoned from the accounting department, sworn to secrecy, duly threatened with death, and made to witness an agreement that bursts into flames the moment the formalities are complete.

Sheldon Katz and the entity shake hands.

Across the site, in a specially rigged broom closet, Junior Researcher Gille watches the Senior Break room on screen, then 682's pen, then his office, then back to the break room. Nothing. Wait. Something.

Something rushes into the room, something about knee-high and very fast, something with a single bright blue eye in the middle of its bulbous yellow body. It's dribbling a smaller object in front of it like a soccer ball. As it pauses on the periphery of the circle of paintball guns, the "ball" comes to rest. It's a statuette of a monkey.

Researcher Veldi runs into the room, panting and red-faced. The Eye-Pod skitters away from him. Veldi lunges, and a chase ensues around the edges of the room, with the Eye-Pod and the monkey always staying just out of Veldi's reach.

After four circuits of the room, the Eye-Pod makes a sudden break to the right. Veldi leaps, trying to tackle it, and trips over his own feet. On the floor, he hears a series of clicks followed immediately by splatting sounds, and wonders for a moment if he somehow missed some tomatoes. He picks himself up, and observes that the walls of the break room have a new paint job in the style of Jackson Pollock.

The Eye-Pod scurries out of the break room and heads down a corridor, rolling the monkey down the hall still. Gille jumps up from his seat and sprints down the hall. He figures if he goes down corridor 37, then makes a sharp right just before the firehose he can head them off—yes! Here they are, and he's just a pace behind Veldi. He drops his head and starts running as fast as he can.

"You think that's funny? I hate running," says Veldi between gasps.

The researchers sprint after the Eye-Pod, neither gaining any real advantage or getting any closer. They follow it now left, now right, now a long straightaway and into a dead end, a small chamber at the end of a long corridor. Gille jumps on the monkey and Veldi jumps on Gille. They grapple on the floor, neither noticing the Eye-Pod backing out of the room until they hear the door start to close. Gille looks up just in time to notice a third figure in the room: humanoid, but made of concrete and covered in spray paint.

In the awkward silence that ensues, the disappearance of the monkey barely registers on them.

Finally Veldi says: "I've got to blink on three. One…two…"

Katz notes the monkey statue that now sits atop his empty inbox. He's already senior staff, but his secretary is out sick and nobody from the temp pool can seem to ever type up his briefs just the way he likes them. He looks through the stack of neatly-formatted documents before him and nods in satisfaction. Yes, the devil will have his due, but he does love a nice-looking brief. Worth it.

He picks up the monkey and goes into the hallway outside his office, waiting for someone going in the right direction who looks sufficiently junior and sufficiently gullible. Soon enough, a cub researcher who he doesn't recognize passes by, and Sheldon intercepts him.

"Excuse me, young man, could I ask a favor? Someone left this in my office and they need it for a team-building exercise in the main cafeteria. Just take it up there and someone will show you what to do next."

He feels slightly bad, watching the eager youth hurry down the hall with the monkey, but better him than Sheldon, and in any case this will teach him a number of valuable lessons.


Doctor Briar sighed, looking over the contents of his small office. It had been a long, hard road to get here. So many times, he'd thought he would die. So many times, he had lost what he thought of as "everything", only to build himself up so he would have something else to lose when the time came again. It had certainly not been easy, but he'd managed, somehow…

He always wished it could have been easier, though. If only there had been some way he could have made his journey to a respected member of senior staff without having to endure so much suffering. Of course, he had only been a low-level recruit in the Foundation when they stopped holding the Staff Prank Wars. He had heard of them, of course, and how the cleverest member of the Foundation's personnel stood to be raised to Senior Staff for winning. It was truly a shame that he had been so new when they held the last of them, an all but nameless lab assistant, not trusted with anything more important than proofreading documents…but then, that was his advantage, wasn't it?

Briar smiled, looking at the assembled items and documents sitting on his desk. At the top of the pile was a death certificate. Just another Foundation employee that had finally met his end, but to the elderly man at the desk, an opportunity. After all, permanent ownership didn't extend past death. Most importantly, however, was the small locked box on top of the pile. There were so many anomalous objects with temporal effects in Foundation custody that they hardly bothered to catalogue them all. No one would notice he had "borrowed" SCP-█████ among a batch of other research materials, and the letter he planned to mail would not be going anywhere that it would be looked for. Chuckling to himself, Doctor Briar took out a fountain pen, and began to write.


Years earlier, a much younger version of the same man breathed heavily, hiding in a cubical and shaking. In his hand he held a much-folded piece of heavy parchment, written upon in flowing calligraphy. Nervous, he muttered the words aloud as he re-read the page, "Volunteer to assist in accounting. Short-staffed due to people calling in sick to avoid the contest. Agree to witness a contract. False name. Render null and void…"

He shook his head in disbelief, dizzy with the implications. It couldn't be that easy, could it? Of course, he had barely dared believe what he held in his hands until the prank war began to unfold, exactly as the note claimed it would. Still, it seemed too good to be true. A deal with the Devil shouldn't be so simple to thwart, even if it wasn't really the Devil. Of course, the plan wasn't over yet. Just botching Katz's deal wouldn't much of a prank by itself, after all. Steeling himself, the younger Briar stepped out of the cubical, and announced that he was going on his lunch break. As he entered into the corridor, he put on a ring, and pulled out the small electronic device from his pocket.


At the doors of the cafeteria, a young researcher was stopped by a polite cough. He turned, his face guileless and smiling. A dark-haired man snatched the bundle out of his hands before he had a moment to react.

"Oh, thank goodness I caught you in time! I am SO sorry! It seems that my colleague gave you the wrong article by mistake. This is the one they need in there."

A small device was pressed into the researcher's hands. He babbled for a few moments about how glad he was to help, and how sorry he was that the other man had to chase him all the way here. Briar, in turn, made his excuses, politely stating that it was no trouble, but he really had to get back to work. He gave the hapless researcher some basic instructions on how to set up the device, and told him to just "get it started for them". As he hurried to return SCP-399 to containment, he could hear his modified MP3 player begin to loop Rick Astley's most famous composition with enough bass to shake the light fixtures. The altered lyrics, bragging of the genius of one Sheldon Katz, could just barely be made out from where he stood. Since he didn't have an office, Briar made a note to check his locker later on.


A D-Class that had been fortunate enough to avoid all of the chaos of the day was desperately looking for a place to hide. He found an isolated cell, and quickly opened the door, failing to notice the number "173" emblazoned above the door.

The moment the door was fully open, he stepped through the frame. He saw two men on the floor, and then he looked up.

He recognized the sculpture a few seconds too late.

Veldi and Gille charged him, threw him in the cell, and quickly closed the door. The sound of bones breaking followed shortly after.

Veldi breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun. Next time, let's check doors before going in them. Don't want Blinky to be let out."

Gille was shivering from the experience. Veldi leaned down. "Oh, by the way… I think ahead." He pointed out that the wall opposite 173's containment had been painted red. Gille was still in a stupor, so Veldi walked away and pressed a button on his phone. A tinny, electronic voice came from above the door: "Leggo my Eggo-carrying Lego Winnebago full of–" The sound was cut short by a wall of tomato juice.

Veldi checked the video feed on his phone again. Yep, the monkey was on his desk. He figured that he should set some more traps so that it wouldn't stay away for long. He hurried to his supplies.


Link: http://www.scp-wiki.net/seniorstaffshenanigans
Created by: TheDuckmanTheDuckman, 2011, and others collaborated
Licensed under: Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License


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