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SCP-285 - A Hack Job / やっつけ仕事(仮)

※本来の意味は「精確さを犠牲にしてメッチャ早く終わらせること」
コンピュータへの不正接続(ハッキング)のhackと掛けてあるし、Mr. Haxって名前もこれ由来
中国語: 黒客工作(黒客 = Hacker)

評価: 0+x

アイテム番号: SCP-285

オブジェクトクラス: Euclid

特別収容プロトコル: SCP-285はサイト-43のB棟にあるレベルIII ヒト型オブジェクト保管室に収容します。SCP-285には基本的なアメニティを与えます。SCP-285が最近財団に対して協力的であることから、要求があった際にはサイト-43の植物園を厳密に2時間のあいだ散策することが許可されています。
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-285 is to be kept in a Level-III humanoid containment chamber on Site-43's B-Wing. SCP-285 is to be given basic amenities. Following SCP-285's recent cooperation with the Foundation, it is allowed exactly two hours of free roaming Site-43's botanical gardens with supervision by at least one guard if it so chooses.

職員は、サイト-43監督官の許可なくSCP-285の過去についてPoI-6938と議論してはなりません。議論が行われた場合、許可された技術スタッフがSCP-285-Aを用いてSCP-285-Bから当該情報を手動により除去します。
Personnel are not to discuss SCP-285's past with PoI-6938 without approval of Site-43's Director. If this occurs, authorized technical staff are to manually remove the information from SCP-285-B via use of SCP-285-A.

SCP-285-Bをサイト-43の技術スタッフ管理者の許可なく編集してはなりません。いかなる状況下でも、SCP-285がその全能力を取り戻すことがあってはなりません。
SCP-285-B instances are not to be edited without the permission of the Administrator of Site-43's Technical staff. SCP-285 is to never be given its full abilities back under any circumstances.

説明: SCP-285は一貫した形状および内部構造を持たない異常なヒト型存在です。ただしSCP-285-Aは例外であり、一貫してSCP-285の背部に位置し続けます。SCP-285の身体は散発的に変化しますが、その変化に法則性はありません。また、この身体変容の結果として身体的外傷が生じますが、いかなる点においても恒常的苦痛を示しません。当該実態は、これらの変化を制御することはできないと主張しています。これらの変化は以下を含みますが、これらに限定されません。
Description: SCP-285 is an anomalous humanoid entity with no defined shape or internal structure, the exception being SCP-285-A, which consistently manifests itself on the object's back. SCP-285's body changes sporadically, with no pattern among the alterations; despite the trauma SCP-285 incurs as a result of this bodily mutation, it will not at any point display signs of homeostatic distress. Subject claims it cannot control these changes. These changes include, but are not limited to:

  • 新たな手足の出現または喪失。
  • 身体部位の大きさや形状の変化。
  • 体高や体重の増大または減少。
  • Loss and growth of new limbs.
  • Variable size and shape of body parts.
  • Loss and growth of height and mass

SCP-285-Aはイーサネット1ポートであると見られており、これを用いることでSCP-285の内部データベースにアクセスできるとされています。有線によるネットワーク接続ができるコンピューターでSCP-285にアクセスすると、種々のファイルが閲覧可能になります。それらのファイル(SCP-285-B)は種々のテキストファイル、音声ファイル、認識災害、動画からなります。ファイルの最大90 %が破損していますが、その原因は現在のところ不明です。また、SCP-285は自身のデータベース上で作成されたファイルのみ閲覧が可能です。
SCP-285-A appears to be an Ethernet2 port, which allows access to SCP-285's internal database. When accessed by a computer capable of wired connections between networks, various files are capable of being accessed. These files (SCP-285-B) contain various text files, audio files, cognitohazards, and videos. ~90% of all files have been corrupted. The cause of this corruption is currently unknown. Additionally, SCP-285 is only capable of accessing files that were formed within its own database.

SCP-285-Bの調査により、当該ファイル群を編集することでSCP-285の身体および精神の状態を外部から変化させられることが判明しました。SCP-285に後遺症を残すことなくどの程度まで変化させることができるかは、現在のところ不明です。PoI-6938がこの機能をGoI-102("異常事件課")から逃れる目的でSCP-285の相貌および体格を編集するために使用していたと見られています。さらに、奇跡論に基いた攻撃機能を編集することで、GoI-102のエージェントからの防御のために使用していたとも見られています。
Investigations into SCP-285-B and its contents reveal that editing of SCP-285-B could cause external changes on SCP-285's body and psychological state. To what extent this is possible without causing permanent damage to SCP-285 is currently unknown. It is believed that PoI-6938 used this ability to evade GoI-102 ("Unusual Incidents Unit") through consistent use of editing SCP-285's facial structure and body type, along with editing in Thaumatological based offense capabilities to defend against GoI-102 agents.

発見: SCP-285はネバダ州ラスベガスにおける、SCP-285自身及び未特定の人物(SCP-285を作成した人物とされる)の逮捕未遂の際に発見されました。SCP-285と未特定人物(PoI-6938)は当初速度超過によって止められ、その際に警察官がPoI-6938がカリフォルニア州[編集済]にある連邦ビルを襲撃した人物であると気付きました。この連邦ビルは後にGoI-102の直接管轄下にあったことが判明しました。また、異常ヒト型存在の監房として使われていたものでした。PoI-6938とSCP-285の襲撃によって34名のGoI-102職員が死亡し、収監されていたもののうち70 %が開放されていました。
Recovery: SCP-285 was recovered following an attempted arrest involving itself and an unknown individual (currently believed to be SCP-285's creator) in Las Vegas, Nevada. SCP-285 and the unknown individual (PoI-6938) were initially pulled over for speeding, before the officer discovered that PoI-6938 had attacked a federal building in [REDACTED], California. This federal building was later revealed to have been under the direct control of GoI-102, and was used as a prison for anomalous humanoids. The attack by PoI-6938 and SCP-285 ended in the deaths of 34 GoI-102 personnel and the release of ~70% of the prison population.

警察官はSCP-285およびPoI-6938の逮捕を試みたものの、SCP-285の攻撃を受けました。PoI-6938はその際にSCP-285を警察官とともに残して逃走しました。SCP-285は逮捕され、GoI-102に収監されました。その後、GoI-102と財団の間で異例の情報貿易が行われ、財団に引き渡されました。地元の警察および連邦エージェントは、いずれもPoI-6938の所在を特定できていません。ネバダ州にある特殊な経路の調査が、財団と異常事件課の合同機動部隊により行われています。
The officer attempted to arrest SCP-285 and PoI-6938, but was attacked by SCP-285. PoI-6938 then escaped, leaving SCP-285 with the officer. SCP-285 was then arrested and put into GoI-102 custody, before eventually being given over to the Foundation following an anomalous Trade Of Information between GoI-102 and the Foundation. Both local law enforcement and Federal Agents were unable to locate PoI-6938. Anomalous pathways located in Nevada are currently being investigated with joint Foundation-UIU task forces.


インタビューログ

Interview Log

インタビュアー: ヘンダーソン博士
Interviewer: Dr. Henderson

対象: SCP-285
Subject: SCP-285

<記録開始>
<Begin Log>

ヘンダーソン博士: あなたの目的は何ですか?
Dr. Henderson: What is your purpose?

SCP-285: 分かりません。
SCP-285: I don't know.

ヘンダーソン博士: なぜ分からないのですか?
Dr. Henderson: How do you not know?

SCP-285: とにかく分からないんです。なぜ自分が作られたのかについての知識はありますが、確かではありません。
SCP-285: I just don't know. I have an idea of why I was created, but I'm not too sure.

ヘンダーソン博士: では、自分がなぜ作られたのかについての考えを聞かせてください。
Dr. Henderson: Well, tell me why you think you were created.

SCP-285: えっと、子どもたちを楽しませるためです。最初はそうだったと思います。ただ、私の目的は多分 [間] 変わってしまいました。上手く言えませんが。
SCP-285: Well, to entertain kids. Originally, I think. Although, my purpose was probably [pause] altered, for lack of a better word.

ヘンダーソン博士: 変わってしまったのはなぜだと思いますか?
Dr. Henderson: How do you think you were altered?

SCP-285: 説明しにくいです。あることは完璧に憶えてるんですけど、他のことは考えることすらできないんです。多分あの人は狂っていたんだと思います。あの人はだれかを傷付けたがっていました。それで、あの人は人を傷付けるのに私を使いました。上手くいっていなかったらいいんですが。
SCP-285: It's hard to explain. I remember some things perfectly, but others I can't even think of. I think he was mad, and he wanted to hurt someone. And he used me to help hurt them. I hope he didn't succeed.

ヘンダーソン博士: なぜ上手くいってほしくないのですか?
Dr. Henderson: Why do you not want him to succeed?

SCP-285: だれも傷付けたくないからです。
SCP-285: I don't want to hurt anyone.

ヘンダーソン博士: ではなぜあの警察官を攻撃したのですか?
Dr. Henderson: Then why did you attack that officer?

[SCP-285は躊躇した]
[SCP-285 Pauses]

SCP-285: 言われたとおりにやっただけです。でも、あの人が私にだれかを傷付けさせたのはあの時だけだと思います。少なくとも、あの人が私にそうさせたんだと思います。
SCP-285: I just did as I was told. But I think that's the only time he ever made me hurt someone. At least, I think he did.


ヘンダーソン博士: あなたを作った人が、それだけの種類のファイルをあなたに入れたのは、なぜだと思いますか?
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think your creator put these various files onto you?

SCP-285: 保険……でしょうか。
SCP-285: Insurance, I guess.

ヘンダーソン博士: つまり?
Dr. Henderson: Explain.

SCP-285: えっとですね、私は自分の、その、「データベース」、上手く言えませんが、それが生物的なものだった記憶があります。私の脳には[前頭を叩く]、「データベース」にある情報が全て入っているんです。あの人が私に入れたものに、私はアクセスできないとしてもです。あの人が私に見てほしくないものに、かもしれません。
SCP-285: You see, I remember my, uh, 'database', for lack of a better word, being biological in nature. My brain [taps forehead], contains all the information in my 'database', even if I can't access anything he put on me. Or anything he didn't want me to see.

ヘンダーソン博士: ところで、もしあなたの脳が損傷を受けるようなことがあったら、あるいはあなたが死ぬようなことがあったら、あなたのデータベース上のファイルは全て消えてしまうのですか?
Dr. Henderson: So, if your brain were to be damaged or if you were to die, all the files within your database would disappear?

SCP-285: 消えるというより、単に破壊されるというほうが近いです。でも、そうですね、的を射ています。あの人は「ユウアイユウ」とか何とか呼ばれているものに私が捕まったときに私のファイルを読まれないようにしたかったんです。あの人はそいつらを本当に嫌っていました。たぶんそのことが、あの人を最初に狂わせたんだと思います。私がそいつらのことを話題に出すと、それがいつであれあの人は怒って私を怒鳴りつけていたのを覚えています。私は少し泣きましたが、少しだけでした。あの人は私が泣くのを嫌いました。あの人が私を泣けるように作ったのは、私のせいじゃないのに。
SCP-285: Not disappear as much as just become corrupted. But, yes, that's the idea. He wanted to make sure that if I was to get captured by the 'you-eye-you' or whatever it was called, that they wouldn't have been able to read my files. He really hated those guys. Maybe that's what made him mad in the first place. I remember whenever I brought it up he'd get angry and yell at me a lot. I cried a little, but not a lot. He hates when I cry. It's not my fault that he created me to cry.

ヘンダーソン博士: 彼がそれだけ怒る理由について何か分かるようなことを、彼は言っていませんでしたか?
Dr. Henderson: Did he bring anything up that maybe would have explained why he was so angry?

SCP-285: いいえ。でも、あの人の言い方は、まるであの人にとって世界の終わりが来るかのようでした。だからあの人は私を作ったんです、たぶん。だから私を変えたんです。あの人は私を使って、何というか、武器にしたかった、のでしょうか。何にするかはともかく、あの人は「ユウアイユウ」を傷付けたかったんです。あの人は何度も何度も、「ユウアイユウ」があの人の全てを奪ったことについて、どれくらい悪であり破壊されてしかるべきであるか、なぜ全員死ぬべきであるかを語っていました。その様子は恐ろしいものでした。
SCP-285: No, but the way he sounded it was like the end of the world to him. That's why he created me, I think. Why he altered me. He wanted to use me as something, as a, uh, weapon, I guess? Whatever it was, he wanted to hurt the 'you-eye-you'. He used to go on and on about how they were evil and deserved to be destroyed because they took everything from him and how they all need to die. It was scary.

ヘンダーソン博士: おや、UIUは悪ではありませんよ。自身を持って言います。
Dr. Henderson: Well, the UIU is not evil; I can say that with confidence.

SCP-285: なぜそんなことが? あの人によると、奴らは、何もせずにただそこにいただけの罪のない人をさらったり殺したりしてるんです。奴らがあの人やあの人の友人や家族にどれだけの生き地獄を味わわせたかを教えてくれました。私に家族はいませんが、それは苦しいことなのでしょう?
SCP-285: How though? He told me they kidnap and murder innocent people who've done nothing but exist. Told me how they made being alive hell for him and his friends and family. I've never had a family, but that must hurt, right?

ヘンダーソン博士: あなたを作った人が何を言おうと、それは事実とは異なります。
Dr. Henderson: Whatever your creator told you, it was inaccurate to reality.

SCP-285: あなたがそう言うなら、博士、私はあの人よりあなたを信じます、どうせなら。
SCP-285: If you say so, doctor. I trust you more than him, anyways.


ヘンダーソン博士: あなたをつくった人物があなたを置いていったのは、なぜだと思いますか?
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think your creator left you behind?

SCP-285: 私は用済みになったんです。
SCP-285: He was done with me.

ヘンダーソン博士: どのようにして用済みになったのでしょう?
Dr. Henderson: How was he done with you?

SCP-285: あの人は、やりたかったことができたんです。何をやりたかったのかはともかく。おそらく、私もまた懸案事項だったんです。
SCP-285: He had done what he had wanted to do, whatever it was. I guess I was just one more loose end.

ヘンダーソン博士: あなたが、おっしゃる通り「懸案事項」だったとして、彼が自分の手であなたを殺害しなかったのはなぜでしょうか?
Dr. Henderson: If you truly were a 'loose end', as you described, why did he not kill you himself?

SCP-285: おそらくあの人は、全てのファイルを私の「データベース」にアップロードしたあとの話ですが、そうするつもりだったんだと思います。でも妨害を受けました。それでパニックに陥り、警察が私を殺すようひたすら願ったんです。あの人が私を殺さなくてよかった、そうでしょう? 私は生きることが好きです。私の過去よりも、生きることが。
SCP-285: I think he was, and after uploading all the files into my 'database', he was gonna do that. But he got interrupted. And he panicked, and he just hoped that the cop would just finish me off. Glad he didn't do that, you know? I like living. Better than whatever I was before.

ヘンダーソン博士: 彼があなたのデータベースから全てのファイルを消し去りたがっていたのは、なぜだと思いますか?
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think he wanted to get rid of all the files in your database?

SCP-285: そこに何かが、他の人たちに関する何かがありました。あの人はその人たちに何かをしたんです。その人たちにとって本当に大切なものを盗んだんです。あの人がその人たちの一員だったときがありますが、そこから去りました。きっと私もその一員でした。何と言うか、でも、その集団が何であれ、あの人が探されたがっていなかったのは分かります。それに、私を見つけて欲しがっていなかったことも。
SCP-285: Something was there, something about some other people. He did something to them. Stole something real important to them. I think he was a part of them at one point, but left. Maybe I was a part of them too, I don't know, but I know that whatever group it was, he didn't want them coming after him. Or finding me.

ヘンダーソン博士: その集団の名前は覚えていますか?
Dr. Henderson: Do you remember the name of this group?

SCP-285: 分かりません。あの人が「イカレ大麻キチども」とやらについて話していたのは覚えていますが、ほぼそれだけです。
SCP-285: I don't know man. I remember him talking about some 'fucking stoners', but that's pretty much it.

<記録終了>
<End Log>


補遺-285.1

Addendum-285.1

SCP-285の内部データベース由来の文書およびGoI-102が関連する文書に基き時系列順に編纂した文書を、以下に一覧で示します。この一覧は、SCP-285の創造について見込まれる時間枠、並びにPoI-6938の動機及び目的の全容を提供することを目的としたものです。
The following collection of documents are filed in chronological order based off of documents from SCP-285's internal database and GoI-102 related documents. The purpose of this collection is to provide a possible time frame regarding SCP-285's creation and PoI-6938's overall motive and goal.


補遺 285.2

Addendum-285.2

以下の文書はGoI-102と財団の最初の取引の際に、GoI-102が財団にもたらしたものです。
The following document was given to the Foundation by GoI-102 during the initial trade between GoI-102 and the Foundation.

なんてこったい! ゲーマーズ・アゲインスト・ウィードの君だけのミスター・チートを見つけたね! マルウェア対策ソフトは常備しようね。このフォーちゃんっての誰?
Holy Heck! You've just found yourself your very own Mr. Hax by Gamers Against Weed! Always use Antimalware, kids. Who is this Fourchan?

全部集めてミスター・ゲーマーになろうぜ!
Collect them all and become Mr. Gamer!

01. ミスター・文字通りのシリアルキラー
02. ミスター・標準
03. ミスター・バーニー・サンダース
04. ミスター・どこでもなんでも無料
20. ミスター・セックス・ナンバー
21. ミスター・天上の美
22. ミスター・大罪
23. ミスター・オリジナルキャラクター
24. ミスター・D.A.R.E.
25. ミスター・高級住宅化
26. ミズ・ビデオゲーム狂
27. ミスター・ミーム
28. ミスター・不吉 (生産中止)
29. ミスター・運命
30. ミスター・モンティ・パイソン・アンド・ホーリー・グレイル
31. ミズ・サパティスタ
32. ミスター・チート ✔
33. ミスター・タトゥーがあるやつ
34. ミスター・トップテクストとミスター・ボトムテクスト
35. ミスター・フィナーレ
36. ミスター・謙虚な浄水器業者


Addendum-285.3

The following document was discovered inside of a sealed envelope addressed to Site-43 staff.

Dear Janitors/Ravens

I know this type of thing isn't our usual style, but we as a group decided that this situation couldn't be considered 'normal' by any stretch of the imagination.

We know you have Hax, and we know what happened to him. Including what happened with Ken and Jordan, and what they planned on doing to him. How we know this is not important, but what is important is what we learned from it. And we just want to say one thing to everyone involved:

We're sorry.

We're sorry we trusted a monster who we thought was our friend. We're sorry that we couldn't stop him in time. We're sorry that we couldn't prevent what you went through, Hax. I, and the rest of the group, want to say that we never wanted this to end this way. For Hax, for you Janitors, or for the Ravens, who didn't deserve what happened to them.

We just wanted to bring happiness to children with your powers.

We just wanted to mock you and the Ravens.

We didn't mean for this. We never intended for things to end like this.

We're so so sorry.

Signed, Gamers Against Weed

P.S. Don't worry about Ken or Jordan. We've dealt with them.

biological computer euclid gamers-against-weed humanoid meta morphic mister sapient scp sentient serpents-hand unusual-incidents-unit


Senior Staff Shenanigans / いたずら上級職員(翻案: いたずら大戦争!)

評価: 0+x

「悪いな、急だったのに会ってくれて。」

「いいんだ。ここだけの話、明けても暮れても素人の相手をするのは退屈だからね。」

「そうだろうな。ほら、もうすぐ俺たちのささやかな記念日だろう? それで思いついたんだ、俺の同僚にお前の手伝いを頼めるかもしれないって。そのあたり、ほら、分かるだろ? いくらか大目に見てやってくれるとありがたいんだけど……。」

「君、僕に守秘義務を破れって言うの? それは気がとがめるよ。」

「まさか! そんなこと考えてないさ。でもお前は多分、言うなれば、規定の条文について"可能な限り最も広い解釈"ができるかもしれないってことだよ。」

「あの猿を手に入れたいんだね?」

「あれを持ってきてくれたら、見返りになにがほしい? あの猿が永遠に俺のものになる代わりに?」

机の後ろにいた人影が合図をすると、机の前側にいた背の低い方の男が前のめりになった。彼は相手の男の耳元で囁いた。

「面白い。そんなこと思いつかなかったよ。あと、言わせてくれ。俺は財団で働けてとても幸せだし、当分の間転職は考えない。その上お前がそれを申し出てくれて本当に嬉しい。Let me make a proposal of my own. In exchange for the aforesaid professional courtesies leading to temporary possession…」

"Since you bring it up, what compensation would you want, in exchange for my permanent posession of said monkey?"

The humanoid figure behind the desk beckons and the smaller man before the desk leans forward. He whispers something in his ear.

"Interesting. Not at all what I'd expected. And I must say that, while I'm flattered that you offer, I'm very happy to work for the Foundation, and don't contemplate a change anytime soon. Let me make a proposal of my own. In exchange for the aforesaid professional courtesies leading to temporary possession…"

It takes some time, but eventually the human and the entity wearing the face of a legendary law professor reach an agreement. A secretary is summoned from the accounting department, sworn to secrecy, duly threatened with death, and made to witness an agreement that bursts into flames the moment the formalities are complete.

Sheldon Katz and the entity shake hands.

Across the site, in a specially rigged broom closet, Junior Researcher Gille watches the Senior Break room on screen, then 682's pen, then his office, then back to the break room. Nothing. Wait. Something.

Something rushes into the room, something about knee-high and very fast, something with a single bright blue eye in the middle of its bulbous yellow body. It's dribbling a smaller object in front of it like a soccer ball. As it pauses on the periphery of the circle of paintball guns, the "ball" comes to rest. It's a statuette of a monkey.

Researcher Veldi runs into the room, panting and red-faced. The Eye-Pod skitters away from him. Veldi lunges, and a chase ensues around the edges of the room, with the Eye-Pod and the monkey always staying just out of Veldi's reach.

After four circuits of the room, the Eye-Pod makes a sudden break to the right. Veldi leaps, trying to tackle it, and trips over his own feet. On the floor, he hears a series of clicks followed immediately by splatting sounds, and wonders for a moment if he somehow missed some tomatoes. He picks himself up, and observes that the walls of the break room have a new paint job in the style of Jackson Pollock.

The Eye-Pod scurries out of the break room and heads down a corridor, rolling the monkey down the hall still. Gille jumps up from his seat and sprints down the hall. He figures if he goes down corridor 37, then makes a sharp right just before the firehose he can head them off—yes! Here they are, and he's just a pace behind Veldi. He drops his head and starts running as fast as he can.

"You think that's funny? I hate running," says Veldi between gasps.

The researchers sprint after the Eye-Pod, neither gaining any real advantage or getting any closer. They follow it now left, now right, now a long straightaway and into a dead end, a small chamber at the end of a long corridor. Gille jumps on the monkey and Veldi jumps on Gille. They grapple on the floor, neither noticing the Eye-Pod backing out of the room until they hear the door start to close. Gille looks up just in time to notice a third figure in the room: humanoid, but made of concrete and covered in spray paint.

In the awkward silence that ensues, the disappearance of the monkey barely registers on them.

Finally Veldi says: "I've got to blink on three. One…two…"

Katz notes the monkey statue that now sits atop his empty inbox. He's already senior staff, but his secretary is out sick and nobody from the temp pool can seem to ever type up his briefs just the way he likes them. He looks through the stack of neatly-formatted documents before him and nods in satisfaction. Yes, the devil will have his due, but he does love a nice-looking brief. Worth it.

He picks up the monkey and goes into the hallway outside his office, waiting for someone going in the right direction who looks sufficiently junior and sufficiently gullible. Soon enough, a cub researcher who he doesn't recognize passes by, and Sheldon intercepts him.

"Excuse me, young man, could I ask a favor? Someone left this in my office and they need it for a team-building exercise in the main cafeteria. Just take it up there and someone will show you what to do next."

He feels slightly bad, watching the eager youth hurry down the hall with the monkey, but better him than Sheldon, and in any case this will teach him a number of valuable lessons.


Doctor Briar sighed, looking over the contents of his small office. It had been a long, hard road to get here. So many times, he'd thought he would die. So many times, he had lost what he thought of as "everything", only to build himself up so he would have something else to lose when the time came again. It had certainly not been easy, but he'd managed, somehow…

He always wished it could have been easier, though. If only there had been some way he could have made his journey to a respected member of senior staff without having to endure so much suffering. Of course, he had only been a low-level recruit in the Foundation when they stopped holding the Staff Prank Wars. He had heard of them, of course, and how the cleverest member of the Foundation's personnel stood to be raised to Senior Staff for winning. It was truly a shame that he had been so new when they held the last of them, an all but nameless lab assistant, not trusted with anything more important than proofreading documents…but then, that was his advantage, wasn't it?

Briar smiled, looking at the assembled items and documents sitting on his desk. At the top of the pile was a death certificate. Just another Foundation employee that had finally met his end, but to the elderly man at the desk, an opportunity. After all, permanent ownership didn't extend past death. Most importantly, however, was the small locked box on top of the pile. There were so many anomalous objects with temporal effects in Foundation custody that they hardly bothered to catalogue them all. No one would notice he had "borrowed" SCP-█████ among a batch of other research materials, and the letter he planned to mail would not be going anywhere that it would be looked for. Chuckling to himself, Doctor Briar took out a fountain pen, and began to write.


Years earlier, a much younger version of the same man breathed heavily, hiding in a cubical and shaking. In his hand he held a much-folded piece of heavy parchment, written upon in flowing calligraphy. Nervous, he muttered the words aloud as he re-read the page, "Volunteer to assist in accounting. Short-staffed due to people calling in sick to avoid the contest. Agree to witness a contract. False name. Render null and void…"

He shook his head in disbelief, dizzy with the implications. It couldn't be that easy, could it? Of course, he had barely dared believe what he held in his hands until the prank war began to unfold, exactly as the note claimed it would. Still, it seemed too good to be true. A deal with the Devil shouldn't be so simple to thwart, even if it wasn't really the Devil. Of course, the plan wasn't over yet. Just botching Katz's deal wouldn't much of a prank by itself, after all. Steeling himself, the younger Briar stepped out of the cubical, and announced that he was going on his lunch break. As he entered into the corridor, he put on a ring, and pulled out the small electronic device from his pocket.


At the doors of the cafeteria, a young researcher was stopped by a polite cough. He turned, his face guileless and smiling. A dark-haired man snatched the bundle out of his hands before he had a moment to react.

"Oh, thank goodness I caught you in time! I am SO sorry! It seems that my colleague gave you the wrong article by mistake. This is the one they need in there."

A small device was pressed into the researcher's hands. He babbled for a few moments about how glad he was to help, and how sorry he was that the other man had to chase him all the way here. Briar, in turn, made his excuses, politely stating that it was no trouble, but he really had to get back to work. He gave the hapless researcher some basic instructions on how to set up the device, and told him to just "get it started for them". As he hurried to return SCP-399 to containment, he could hear his modified MP3 player begin to loop Rick Astley's most famous composition with enough bass to shake the light fixtures. The altered lyrics, bragging of the genius of one Sheldon Katz, could just barely be made out from where he stood. Since he didn't have an office, Briar made a note to check his locker later on.


A D-Class that had been fortunate enough to avoid all of the chaos of the day was desperately looking for a place to hide. He found an isolated cell, and quickly opened the door, failing to notice the number "173" emblazoned above the door.

The moment the door was fully open, he stepped through the frame. He saw two men on the floor, and then he looked up.

He recognized the sculpture a few seconds too late.

Veldi and Gille charged him, threw him in the cell, and quickly closed the door. The sound of bones breaking followed shortly after.

Veldi breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun. Next time, let's check doors before going in them. Don't want Blinky to be let out."

Gille was shivering from the experience. Veldi leaned down. "Oh, by the way… I think ahead." He pointed out that the wall opposite 173's containment had been painted red. Gille was still in a stupor, so Veldi walked away and pressed a button on his phone. A tinny, electronic voice came from above the door: "Leggo my Eggo-carrying Lego Winnebago full of–" The sound was cut short by a wall of tomato juice.

Veldi checked the video feed on his phone again. Yep, the monkey was on his desk. He figured that he should set some more traps so that it wouldn't stay away for long. He hurried to his supplies.


Link: http://www.scp-wiki.net/seniorstaffshenanigans
Created by: TheDuckmanTheDuckman, 2011, and others collaborated
Licensed under: Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License


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出典: http://ja.scp-wiki.net/author:apple3 (apple3apple3さんのタグチャレンジ)
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  • 鳥(avian) - 鳥のような性質を持つSCPです。必要ならば動物タグと共に使ってください。
    • 動物(animal) - 動物的な性質を見せるSCPです。
  • 人間型(humanoid) - 人間型のSCPに付与されるタグです。
  • 木製(wooden) - 木材もしくは木のような素材で構成されたSCPです。生きており、加工されていない木が使われている場合はこのタグは付けられません。

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