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cemetary.jpg

An instance of SCP-3806 in the ████████ County Cemetery. The phone number inscribed above the entrance has been blacked out for security reasons.(████████郡墓地のSCP-3806の実例。出入口の上方に刻まれた電話番号はセキュリィティー上の理由から黒く塗りつぶされています。)

Item #: SCP-3806

Object Class: Safe

アイテム番号: SCP-3806

オブジェクトクラス: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-3806 are to be secured with padlocks and automated surveillance systems. Should any unauthorized individuals gain or attempt to gain entry to any SCP-3806 instance, they are to be apprehended, debriefed, and administered Class-A amnestics.

特別収容プロトコル: SCP-3806の実例は南京錠と自動監視システムによって保護されます。もし許可を得ていない人物がSCP-XXX-JPへの侵入を実行ないしは計画した場合は、その人物を確保した上で報告を行い、クラスA記憶処理を実施してください。

Test subjects must be psychologically screened. Individuals with a recent or current history of depressive disorders and suicidal ideation are ineligible for testing. Foundation personnel may volunteer for testing, with preference being given to the terminally ill, elderly, and those working in fields with high mortality rates.

実験の対象者は心理学的な検査を受けなければなりません。近年ないしは現在において鬱病性障害の病歴及び自殺願望を保有する人物は被験者として不適格です。財団職員は終末期の患者と高齢者、及び死亡率の高い現場で勤務している者から優先的に実験に志願することが可能です。

Description: SCP-3806 are mausoleums approximately the same dimensions as a telephone booth, with a 13-digit phone number inscribed above the entrance. These mausoleums are always found in cemeteries or graveyards where their appearance is unremarkable, with ███ known instances worldwide.

説明: SCP-3806は出入口の上方に13桁の電話番号が刻まれた、電話ボックスとほぼ同じ大きさの霊廟です。このような霊廟は目立たない場所に存在する共同墓地や教会墓地において一般的に見られるものであり、世界中において███例の実例が知られています。

Within each instance is a rotary payphone, circa 1950, unconnected to any phone lines or power source. If an individual places a fiat coin of any denomination into the coin slot and dials the number written above the doorway, they will be connected to SCP-3806-A. No detectable signals are transmitted or received during these calls.

各実例の内部にはいかなる電話線や電源にも接続されていない、1950年頃のものの回転式公衆電話が存在しています。個人が何らかの価値を有する法定硬貨を硬貨投入口に投入し、出入口の上方に記されている電話番号をダイアルすると、SCP-3806-Aと電話が繫がります。

Auditory analysis of SCP-3806-A indicates it is most likely female, between the ages of 65 and 85, and suffers from Reinke's edema, presumably caused by long-term tobacco use. It will always speak to the caller in their native language and dialect. Simultaneous testing has resulted in callers being put on hold1, suggesting that SCP-3806-A is a singular entity confined to normal space-time.

聴覚分析はSCP-3806-Aが長期間のタバコの使用に起因すると思われるレインケ浮腫2に罹患している、65歳から85歳の間の女性である可能性が最も高いと言うことを示しています。SCP-3806-Aは通話者に対しては一貫して通話者の母語・現地語を使用します。同時試験が通話者が待たされると言う状況3を発生させたことから、SCP-3806-Aは通常の時空に固定された単一の存在であると考えられています。

SCP-3806-A claims to be a representative of an organization called the "Halls of Grandos", capable of arranging specific afterlives on behalf of their clients. These claims are currently unverified, although testing involving terminally ill Foundation personnel has revealed that arrangements to die at specific times can be fulfilled.

SCP-3806-Aは自身が顧客に代わって特定の来世の手配を行うことが可能な”グランドスの館”と呼ばれる組織の代表者であると主張します。これらの主張の信憑性は現時点では確認されていませんが、実験に参加した末期的な病状の財団職員によって、要望を満たす特定の死亡時刻の手配が可能であると言うことが判明しました。

First Recorded Interview with SCP-3806-A:

Interviewer: Agent Mark Roland

Interviewee: SCP-3806-A

<Begin Log>

SCP-3806-Aへの最初のインタビュー記録:

インタビュアー: エージェント・マーク・ローランド

対象: SCP-3806-A

<ログ開始>

SCP-3806-A: Hello, and thank you for calling the Halls of…(SCP-3806-A coughs for several seconds)…Halls of Grandos. How may I help you today?

Agent Roland: I'm sorry, did you say Halls of Mandos, like from Tolkien's Legendarium?

SCP-3806-A: (pauses) You a lawyer?

SCP-3806-A: もしもし、グランドスの…(SCP-3806-Aが数秒間咳き込む)…グランドスの館へお電話いただきありがとうございます。本日はどのようなご用件で?

エージェント・ローランド: すみません、マンドスの館4とおっしゃられましたか、トールキンのレジェンダリウム5のように?

SCP-3806-A: (間)あんたは弁護士かい?

Agent Roland: No.

SCP-3806-A: Good, because if I wanted to talk to a lawyer, I know where to find one. Believe me (coughs, and is then heard lighting a cigarette). Tolkien's stuff is protected by copyright until 2044, so until then we're the Halls of Grandos.

エージェント・ローランド: いいえ。

SCP-3806-A: ならいいんだ、もし弁護士と話したければ、どこに行くべきかってことならあたしは知っているんだからね。(咳に続き煙草に火をつける音が聞こえる)。トールキンのものは2044年まで著作権によって保護されてる。だからそれまではあたしたちはグランドスの館なのさ。

Agent Roland: I see. I assume based on your name and the location of this phone box that your organization has something to do with the afterlife.

SCP-3806-A: While you know what they say about assuming; it makes an ass out of u and me!

(SCP-3806-A laughs for several seconds before entering a coughing fit)

エージェント・ローランド: 成程。私はあなたの名前とこの電話ボックスの位置から、あなたの組織が来世に関する何かを所有していると考えています。

SCP-3806-A: 決めつけは"あなたと私が恥をさらすことだ!6って言われているのは知ってるだろうに。

(SCP-3806-Aが咳き込むまで数秒間笑う)

SCP-3806-A: You're not wrong though, son. Worst part about being mortal is the dying, obviously. Good news is you've got immortal souls. Bad news is that it's anyone's guess what happens to it. You can worship a god and hope that they're a) real, and b) will hold up their end of the bargain, but you might end up trapped in your own rotting corpse or wandering the astral plane until you're snatched up by the Scarlet King or…uh, you know, the Sarkic one? Yabba Dabba Do or something; you know what I'm talking about, right?

SCP-3806-A: あんたは間違っちゃいないさ、坊や。定命の者の最悪な部分が死ぬことだってのは明らかだからね。良い知らせはあんたたちが不滅の魂を持ってるってことで、悪い知らせは誰も死が自分たちの身に降りかかるものだとは考えてないってことだ。あんたは神を崇拝して彼らがa)本物であること、そしてb)取引の終了を延期すること、を願うことが出来る。だがね、あんたはひょっとしたら最終的には腐った死体に閉じ込められてしまうかもしれないし、あるいは緋の王7か…えぇと、ほら、サーキックに捕まるまで霊界を彷徨うことになるかもしれない。ヤバダバドゥー8かあるいは?あたしが何について話しているかは分かるだろう?

Agent Roland: I do, Ma'am. Are you saying you offer some kind of protection against these fates?

SCP-3806-A: You're 2 for 2 kiddo. We've made contracts with numerous cosmic entities who are both willing and able to shepherd mortal souls to their choice of afterlife. We tell you what afterlives we know about and how to get in to them. Our certified psychopomps will escort you to any afterlife you qualify for, and if you want they can even make sure you're reunited with dead loved ones.

エージェント・ローランド: 分かっていますよ、ご婦人。あなたはこう言った運命からのある種の保護を提供すると仰られているのですか?

SCP-3806-A: 心配することは何もないよ9。あたしたちはあたしたちと同じように優良な来世において、死ぬべき運命にある魂を救う意志と能力を持ったたくさんの宇宙的存在と契約をしてる。あたしたちはあんたにあたしたちの知っている来世や来世への行き方について話してるのさ。あたしたちの認定サイコポンプ10たちはあんたを約束された来世へとエスコートするし、望まれればあんたが死に別れた愛する者と再会するように手配することだってできる。

Agent Roland: What do you charge for this service?

SCP-3806-A: Not a single obol. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's a lot more mortals than there were just a few centuries ago, which means a lot more souls here on the astral plane. Combine your increased population with secularization, and you got a recipe for biblical numbers of displaced souls. Sure it's sad, but it was also bringing property values down, you know? Anyway, bunch of the Old Gods decide to have a gala, raise some funds, and here we are. You don't have to wander limbo for eternity and the Old Gods get a tax write-off.

エージェント・ローランド: このサービスの対価は何ですか?

SCP-3806-A: 1オボルス11だって要らないよ。あんたが気付いているかは分からないけれど、たかだか数世紀前よりも人間はたくさん居て、それはつまりこっちに霊界よりたくさんの魂があるってことなのさ。あんたたちの数の増加と世俗化を結びつければ、魂から追い出された聖書の数が分かるだろう。もちろんそれは悲しいことだけれど、同時に資産の価値を引き下げてもいたんだ、分かるかい?とにかく古い神々連中が幾らかの資金を調達した上で催しものを開催することを決めた結果として、あたしたちはこうしているのさ。あんたたちは辺獄を永遠に彷徨わなくていいし、古い神々はそのための重い負担を帳消しにしてくれる。

Agent Roland: Makes sense to me. This service you offer, it occurs upon natural death?

SCP-3806-A: That's an option, or they could pick you up at a time of your choosing. The Reaper's busy, but he can squeeze you in right now.

エージェント・ローランド: 筋は通っていますね。あなたがたが提供しているこのサービスは自然死に対しても適用されるのですか?

SCP-3806-A: それはオプションだね。つまりあんたが選んだ時間にあんたをお迎えにいくこと自体は可能だってことさ。死神たちは多忙だけれど、今すぐにだってあんたの命を奪うことが出来る。

Agent Roland: (pauses) I'll pass.

(SCP-3806-A breaks out into laughter again, followed by another coughing spell)

エージェント・ローランド: (少しの間)遠慮しておきます。

(SCP-3806-Aは再び突然笑い出し、それに続いてひとしきり咳き込む)

Agent Roland: So, what sort of afterlives are you offering?

SCP-3806-A: We got all kinds. There's traditional fluffy cloud heavens, Summerland if you want to still enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, Nirvana if you're seeking enlightenment, this weird desert place, reincarnation…

エージェント・ローランド: それで、あなた方はどのような来世を提供されているのですか?

SCP-3806-A: あらゆる種類のものを、さ。伝統的なふわふわした雲の天国も、肉体的な喜びをまだ楽しみたいならサマーランド12も、悟りを求めているなら涅槃を、この奇妙な砂漠の土地、生まれ変わりを…

Agent Roland: Okay, I should probably ask some follow up questions about those but…but are there any 'cosmic entities' who recruit mortal souls to fight against some ultimate evil in a heavenly war?

SCP-3806-A: Yep, that would be Valhalla. Prove yourself a brave and virtuous warrior and the AllFather will welcome you into his ranks, and you can fight the Scarlet King or Yabba Dabba Do or whoever at the End of Days. Is that what you want?

エージェント・ローランド: オーケー、私は多分あなたにそれらについて引き続き質問をするべきなのでしょう。しかし…しかし死ぬべき運命にある魂を天界での戦争において究極の悪と戦うためにリクルートしている'宇宙的存在'と言うのもいるのでしょうか?

SCP-3806-A: ああ、そりゃヴァルハラだろう。自分を勇敢で高潔な戦士だと証明すれば、万物の父13はあんたを自分の軍勢へと迎え入れてくれる、そうすればあんたは緋の王かヤバダバドゥーか或いは何かしらと世界の終わりに戦うことが出来る。これがあんたの望むことかい?

Agent Roland: (pauses) I think so.

エージェント・ローランド: (間)そう思います。

SCP-3806-A: (typing is heard) Okay Mr. Roland, I've marked that down. You should know that you don't qualify yet, but a victory over a superior foe that averts tragic death and destruction would be enough. Do you have a second pick in case…

SCP-3806-A: (タイプ音)オーケー、ミスター・ローランド。書き留めたよ。あんたはまだ証明をしていないってことを知っとくべきだが、まぁ強大な敵への勝利によって悲劇的な死と破壊を阻止すれば十分だろう。第2希望は…

Agent Roland: No, I'll do it. I'm in the right line of work for it.

SCP-3806-A: 'At's the spirit. Don't let your dreams be dreams. A Valkyrie will come to escort you to Valhalla upon your glorious death in combat!

エージェント・ローランド: いいえ、私はそうします。私はまさにそうすることが職務である職業に就いています。

SCP-3806-A: そうこなくちゃ。夢を夢で終わらせるんじゃないよ。戦いにおける栄光ある死に際して、ヴァルキュリアはあんたをヴァルハラへと導いてくれるだろうさ!

Agent Roland: (softly) Thank you.

SCP-3806-A: Happy to help sonny. You have yourself a nice day now. Bye Bye.

(the call ends, and is followed by a 'dial tone' of Latin prayers until Agent Roland hangs up)

エージェント・ローランド: (穏やかに) 感謝します。

SCP-3806-A: あんたの力になれて嬉しいよ、坊や。今は良い日々を過ごしな。じゃあね。

(通話が終了する。エージェント・ローランドが受話器を置くまで'ダイヤル・トーン"としてラテンの祈りの言葉が続いた。)

<End Log>

Addendum: Agent Roland has received an official reprimand for using this test for his personal benefit without authorization.

<ログ終了>

追記: エージェント・ローランドは個人的な利益のために許可なく試験を行ったために、公式に懲戒処分を受けました。


cemetery.jpg

An instance of SCP-3806 in the ████████ County Cemetery. The phone number inscribed above the entrance has been blacked out for security reasons.

Item #: SCP-3806

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-3806 are to be secured with padlocks and automated surveillance systems. Should any unauthorized individuals gain or attempt to gain entry to any SCP-3806 instance, they are to be apprehended, debriefed, and administered Class-A amnestics.

Test subjects must be psychologically screened. Individuals with a recent or current history of depressive disorders and suicidal ideation are ineligible for testing. Foundation personnel may volunteer for testing, with preference being given to the terminally ill, elderly, and those working in fields with high mortality rates.

Description: SCP-3806 are mausoleums approximately the same dimensions as a telephone booth, with a 13-digit phone number inscribed above the entrance. These mausoleums are always found in cemeteries or graveyards where their appearance is unremarkable, with ███ known instances worldwide.

Within each instance is a rotary payphone, circa 1950, unconnected to any phone lines or power source. If an individual places a fiat coin of any denomination into the coin slot and dials the number written above the doorway, they will be connected to SCP-3806-A. No detectable signals are transmitted or received during these calls.

Auditory analysis of SCP-3806-A indicates it is most likely female, between the ages of 65 and 85, and suffers from Reinke's edema, presumably caused by long-term tobacco use. It will always speak to the caller in their native language and dialect. Simultaneous testing has resulted in callers being put on hold14, suggesting that SCP-3806-A is a singular entity confined to normal space-time.

SCP-3806-A claims to be a representative of an organization called the "Halls of Grandos", capable of arranging specific afterlives on behalf of their clients. These claims are currently unverified, although testing involving terminally ill Foundation personnel has revealed that arrangements to die at specific times can be fulfilled.

First Recorded Interview with SCP-3806-A:

Interviewer: Agent Mark Roland

Interviewee: SCP-3806-A

<Begin Log>

SCP-3806-A: Hello, and thank you for calling the Halls of…(SCP-3806-A coughs for several seconds)…Halls of Grandos. How may I help you today?

Agent Roland: I'm sorry, did you say Halls of Mandos, like from Tolkien's Legendarium?

SCP-3806-A: (pauses) You a lawyer?

Agent Roland: No.

SCP-3806-A: Good, because if I wanted to talk to a lawyer, I know where to find one. Believe me (coughs, and is then heard lighting a cigarette). Tolkien's stuff is protected by copyright until 2044, so until then we're the Halls of Grandos.

Agent Roland: I see. I assume based on your name and the location of this phone box that your organization has something to do with the afterlife.

SCP-3806-A: While you know what they say about assuming; it makes an ass out of u and me!

(SCP-3806-A laughs for several seconds before entering a coughing fit)

SCP-3806-A: You're not wrong though, son. Worst part about being mortal is the dying, obviously. Good news is you've got immortal souls. Bad news is that it's anyone's guess what happens to it. You can worship a god and hope that they're a) real, and b) will hold up their end of the bargain, but you might end up trapped in your own rotting corpse or wandering the astral plane until you're snatched up by the Scarlet King or…uh, you know, the Sarkic one? Yabba Dabba Do or something; you know what I'm talking about, right?

Agent Roland: I do, Ma'am. Are you saying you offer some kind of protection against these fates?

SCP-3806-A: You're 2 for 2 kiddo. We've made contracts with numerous cosmic entities who are both willing and able to shepherd mortal souls to their choice of afterlife. We tell you what afterlives we know about and how to get in to them. Our certified psychopomps will escort you to any afterlife you qualify for, and if you want they can even make sure you're reunited with dead loved ones.

Agent Roland: What do you charge for this service?

SCP-3806-A: Not a single obol. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's a lot more mortals than there were just a few centuries ago, which means a lot more souls here on the astral plane. Combine your increased population with secularization, and you got a recipe for biblical numbers of displaced souls. Sure it's sad, but it was also bringing property values down, you know? Anyway, bunch of the Old Gods decide to have a gala, raise some funds, and here we are. You don't have to wander limbo for eternity and the Old Gods get a tax write-off.

Agent Roland: Makes sense to me. This service you offer, it occurs upon natural death?

SCP-3806-A: That's an option, or they could pick you up at a time of your choosing. The Reaper's busy, but he can squeeze you in right now.

Agent Roland: (pauses) I'll pass.

(SCP-3806-A breaks out into laughter again, followed by another coughing spell)

Agent Roland: So, what sort of afterlives are you offering?

SCP-3806-A: We got all kinds. There's traditional fluffy cloud heavens, Summerland if you want to still enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, Nirvana if you're seeking enlightenment, this weird desert place, reincarnation…

Agent Roland: Okay, I should probably ask some follow up questions about those but…but are there any 'cosmic entities' who recruit mortal souls to fight against some ultimate evil in a heavenly war?

SCP-3806-A: Yep, that would be Valhalla. Prove yourself a brave and virtuous warrior and the AllFather will welcome you into his ranks, and you can fight the Scarlet King or Yabba Dabba Do or whoever at the End of Days. Is that what you want?

Agent Roland: (pauses) I think so.

SCP-3806-A: (typing is heard) Okay Mr. Roland, I've marked that down. You should know that you don't qualify yet, but a victory over a superior foe that averts tragic death and destruction would be enough. Do you have a second pick in case…

Agent Roland: No, I'll do it. I'm in the right line of work for it.

SCP-3806-A: 'At's the spirit. Don't let your dreams be dreams. A Valkyrie will come to escort you to Valhalla upon your glorious death in combat!

Agent Roland: (softly) Thank you.

SCP-3806-A: Happy to help sonny. You have yourself a nice day now. Bye Bye.

(the call ends, and is followed by a 'dial tone' of Latin prayers until Agent Roland hangs up)

<End Log>

Addendum: Agent Roland has received an official reprimand for using this test for his personal benefit without authorization.

ぬらりひょん.jpg

SCP-XXX-JP

アイテム番号: SCP-XXX-JP

オブジェクトクラス: Safe

特別収容プロトコル: SCP-XXX-JPはサイト58██の標準的な対認識災害収容ユニットに収容されます。ユニットの内部は別途飼育マニュアルに則った環境が維持されていなければなりません。

説明: SCP-XXX-JPはノドジロミユビナマケモノ(Bradypus tridactylus)のオスです。体長は約60cm、体重は約5kgです。

回収記録 SCP-XXX-JPは20██/█/██にサイト-58██の敷地内から発見・回収されました。

付記: 2015/█/██、モリエンテス博士を中心とした複数の研究員によりSCP-XXX-JPの再調査の実施が申請されました。申請は現在審査中です。申請は却下されました。


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〇地下世界